


and here you are living, despite it all

by alexirrhoe



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Epic Friendship, Finn/Poe Dameron (Background) - Freeform, Gen, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey-Centric, Rey/Ben Solo (Background), canon compliant (sort of), fix-it (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22115425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexirrhoe/pseuds/alexirrhoe
Summary: She keeps her Palpatine heritage a secret. Nobody needs to know and as far as she's concerned, she'snota Palpatine. She's Rey from the Resistance. Rey the Jedi.She never needed a last name to be herself.A character study of Rey, post battle of Exegol.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron & Rey
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	and here you are living, despite it all

**Author's Note:**

> Birthday fic for my dear Margaux. I hope you'll enjoy it <3
> 
> Disclaimer: this is the first time I write a fic in English (not my first langage). My friend Isa did a wonderful betaread on this, all remaining mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Title is a quote from Rupi Kaur's _The Sun and Her Flowers_.

She wakes up with a start, eyes wide open in the darkness of her room in Ajan Kloss's rebel base.

Since Exegol, she has been having nightmares. It's always the same thing. Her last moment with Ben, when everything was right, he was smiling at her and she wasn't alone anymore and the next second he was fading, the Force taking him away from her. Sometimes the dreams are nice enough, it's only a revival of their last moment. Often it's darker, bloodier, dreams where she stands helpless as her friends are tortured right in front of her.

She should be used to it, everyone from the Resistance is suffering from post-Exegol nightmares. Commander D'Acy insisted they all go see a therapist and it helps a bit. Meditating helps too.

She breathes in deeply, trying to calm her erratic heartbeats and calling the Force to help her regain her senses.

 _You are not alone_ , Ben Solo once said.

 _Liar. You left me_ , Rey accuses him now, curled up on herself in her cot, her cheeks wet with tears.

*

She keeps her Palpatine heritage a secret. Nobody needs to know and as far as she's concerned, she's _not_ a Palpatine. She's Rey from the Resistance. Rey the Jedi.

She never needed a last name to be herself.

*

Weeks after Exegol, Rey is still wondering what to do next. It's hard to stay at the Resistance base, but leaving her new-found family would be harder. She keeps to herself in the Falcon (Lando was nice enough to leave it to the Resistance, saying that's what Han would have wanted), refusing any help to do the repairs which are heavily needed with only BB-8 and D-O for company.

It's Finn who finds her. He doesn't offer any help, for which she's grateful, and sits near her, watching as she's half-body deep in cables and motors, covered in grease, giving some orders to the droids.

One hour passes and Finn is still silent. She looks at him, her bravest, kindest friend. Their eyes meet, and she can see this is the moment he makes a decision, asks what's been haunting him for weeks.

"Are you avoiding us?"

 _Are you avoiding me?_ he doesn't ask.

She wants to deny it but it would be a lie and she wouldn't lie to Finn, never. The truth is, she feels guilty. After Exegol, after the adrenaline from their victory wore off, she was left having to face how badly she treated him, especially on Kef Bir. Stars, she treated the entire Resistance badly with her rash and impulsive actions, without an afterthought, with only Kylo Ren and the Emperor in mind.

Yes, she's been avoiding Finn. Of course, he noticed because he's always paying attention when it comes to her.

Finn has always been here for her and she did so little in return. She doesn't even know what he wanted to tell her, back on Pasaana, she never took the time to talk with him like the close friend he is, like he would have done in her place. She doesn't have the same guilt with Poe, as much as Poe seems to like her and care for her, it's not the same brand of kindness. Poe is harsh and will fight anytime, anywhere, especially when she's too close to Finn, but that's a thought she keeps to herself, a smile against her heart, even if her friends are for now too stupid to see their crush is mutual.

Finn looks at her with big Porg eyes and she thinks, _be honest_. Be kind, like Finn is.

"Rey, I wanted to say-" he starts, at the same time as her.

"Finn, I really need you to know-"

They stop, looking at each other, a bit of silence and then, they burst into laughter, all awkwardness dispersed.

"You go first," he says with an easy smile.

She takes a deep breath, unsure of how to begin. Closes her eyes. Opens them to see Finn's soft expression. She can do this.

"I'm sorry. About everything, but first of all about Kef Bir and how horrible I was to you. I acted on my own without thinking straight."

"Rey, it's ok, you had quite a lot in your mind at the time-"

She raises a hand to cut him off.

"No, it's not ok, it will never be ok to use the Force against you or against everyone who only wishes to help, there is no excuse behind that. I'll never do it again and I regret it deeply."

She'll have to apologize to Jannah, too, as soon she's back from wherever Lando took her.

"Excuse accepted but I would rather you never go on your own like that again. Poe keeps telling me you're a Jedi, you can take care of yourself and you don't need me risking my life for you but I can't just let you go. You're not alone Rey, you don't need to carry the whole galaxy on your shoulders."

BB-8 beeps his agreement while D-O runs in circles around her, his metallic voice repeating in a loop "not alone". She smiles at them, moved, and puts a hand on Finn's shoulder.

"Thanks, it means a lot to me and I'm really glad to count you as one of my friends and I don't know what I would do without you."

He smiles back and she can't believe how lucky she is to be able to rely on such awesome people.

"Your turn now, what did you want to tell me?"

"Well. I may, like… kinda… have the Force too? Is that how you say it? You "have" the Force? Use the Force?"

Stars, she should have known, she should have been paying attention because now it's obvious. She was too focused on her Force bond and Ben and looking for all past Jedi voices, but she feels it now, the Force emanating lightly, brightly, from Finn.

"Force sensitive. We say, Force sensitive," she answers in a daze as he holds her glare, a bit shy. "And we will have a lot to talk about."

*

She knows Ben isn't dead because she never sees his Force spirit, or whatever it is called.

She knows Ben isn't dead because if she looks deeply within herself, she can feel the bond, faintly but never fading.

She knows Ben isn't dead because he would never leave her alone, her loneliness an echo to his own and he'll never do that to them.

She knows Ben isn't dead, and she refuses to believe otherwise.

She only needs to find him, bring him back and kiss him senseless because the first time wasn't enough and she wishes for nothing more than to feel his smile against her skin and to be complete again, not just one half of a dyad.

*

Poe comes to find her and without a hello throws Luke's helmet at her.

"Care for a race?" he says, walking to his X-Wing without even checking if she's following him but it's not like she ever backed away from a competition.

There’ a strange relationship, between them. At first, it was mostly Finn gluing them together, but she has grown quite fond of this wiseass of a pilot. Poe Dameron is nice to have as a friend, even when he yells at you in order to hide his worries and how deeply he cares. Whereas Finn will come and stay with you in silent companionship, always ready to listen to whatever weights on your heart, Poe will never directly ask you what's wrong. He'll provoke you into a fight or an impossible challenge and by the time you realize he's distracting you from your bad mood, you're already fueled with an exhilarating sense of adrenaline.  
Besides, he's never shy about how much he loves his droid, and that’s enough for Rey to know she can trust him fully.

"First one on the East's Great cliff wins!" he shouts at her as she climbs into Luke's X-Wing (she still can't believe that, from a scavenger whose only belonging was a quarterstaff, she became the proud pilot of two legendary spaceships).

"Just so you know, it's cheating if you use the Force," Poe says over the comm.

"Isn't taking BB-8 with you also cheating?" she bites back. "And do you really think I need the Force to win, spice runner?"

He doesn't answer but seeing the sharp turn the Black One takes, Poe is taking her very seriously. Perfect, as she didn't intend to play nice. They fly high, fast and skilled and she feels so free in the sky. There is little in the galaxy she likes more than flying and she knows Poe feels the same.

She wins, though not by much. She yells her joy without restrain.

"Yeah yeah, you win, no need to be so loud about it," grumbles her general, always reluctant to admit defeat.

She can hear an agreeing beep from BB-8 and she laughs and allows herself a spin (she swears she can hear Poe rolling his eyes without even using the Force to see it) and places her X-Wing next to the Black One as they quietly head back to the base.

"So, General," she says. "When will you make your move on Finn?"

Poe swears on the comm and she's delighted.

"Maybe when he'll stop looking at everyone with loving eyes except me?"

"Stars, I can't even believe you. Obviously, you don't see how he looks at you as soon as your back is turned."

How this man, a skillful pilot, honored general of the Resistance, winner of impossible battles, can be so dumb, is a mystery even bigger than the Force.

"You know scavenger, I liked it better when you yelled at me for burning your ship, instead of poking at my non-existent sentimental life."

She snorts, having none of it.

"I'm afraid of losing what we have," Poe admits after a bit.

"Are you being shy, Dameron? Just go and get your man instead of throwing deadly glares at everyone unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of Finn's smile."

Which is everyone, because it's _Fin_. Rey will not blame Poe for falling for the man, Finn is the sunniest being in all Resistance, maybe even all the galaxy.

She can't exactly hear what BB-8 beeps at his master, but it’s probably in agreement with her because Poe sighs loudly.

"Ok ok, I hear what you’re both saying, I'll think of something. Now, can we return to the base in silence and forget everything about this embarrassing conversation?"

If he believes she'll leave him in peace, he's so, so wrong.

*

She doesn't find any entry about past cases of dyad in the Force when reading the Jedi's manuals left by Luke. It's a pity, as she would like (needs to) know more, to understand better the nature of the link between Ben and her.

She asks Luke, but it seems that Force dyad isn't anything even Master Yoda knows about. She wasn't naïve enough to believe that hearing all past Jedi's voices would solve everything, but it would have been nice.

If she hadn’t felt it for herself, she would be tempted to believe Palpatine made the whole thing up.

*

A few days after the battle of Exegol, Zorii Bliss announces it's time to take her leave. Where she and Babu Frik will go is left undecided but Rey already knows she'll see them again, many times.

The day of her departure, Zorii comes at her unmasked, and what should be a quick goodbye (Zorii's not one to dwell on sentimentality, much like Poe) becomes a long and nice chat between two women much more alike than a former scavenger and a former spice runner could ever be. Finn and Poe are great company, but for once it's nice to talk with someone who isn't from the Resistance, who doesn’t watch her with careful eyes as she could disappear in a second.

There is a glint in Zorii's eyes. Rey may be inexperienced, but she can tell when someone is hitting on her. In any other place, any other time, any other story, one where she's not the second-to-last Jedi (Ben is alive, she knows it, she's not the last Jedi), one where she didn't grow as a scavenger on Jakku, she'll let herself be kissed and kiss back.

But this is not this galaxy, not this story and Zorii knows it too because she doesn't make a move, only the glittering in her eyes and the promise to stay in touch and spare together, sometimes, for which Rey is grateful.

"What happened between you and Poe?" she asks, intrigued by their relationship.

"Nothing. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm not into gold-hearted scoundrels who will go and save the galaxy as soon as you blink. The worst is when they succeed, how can you be mad at them for leaving you then?"

Zorii stands up and closes her helmet, offering her a hand to shake.

"Already said and you may not care, but I really like you, Rey the Jedi."

"Already said it but I do care, the feeling is mutual."

"I'll take my leave on these sweet words, I still need to say goodbye to one dummy, gold-hearted savior of the galaxy."

They both turn in the direction of said dummy, not that far behind them. Poe is leaning charmingly against his X-Wing, explaining something that surely doesn't require him to speak with his lips so close to Finn's ear.

"Men," Zorii sights.

"Men," Rey agrees, as they watch them with more fondness than they should have for these idiots.

*

The thing about being the (second-to) last Jedi is, Rey wonders if she should revive the Jedi order. Find another Force sensitive being. Create an academy or something.

It seems like an impossible idea, as she has very little experience and doesn't feel comfortable enough to teach others but it doesn't feel like she has a choice. She can't let the Jedi legacy go to waste, can she? She will train Finn, at least.

She should ask Luke and Leia about it but she doesn't. Not yet.

 _I will think about it after finding Ben_ , she says to herself and stops thinking about it.

*

When she tells them she'll be away for a few days, in the search of a Kyber crystal needed for lightsaber making, she doesn't expect Finn and Poe to come with her. The Jedi manuals left by Luke all say it's something a padawan should do alone and that makes sense to her.

"New Jedi order, new rules," Finn argues.

"Besides, it's out of the question one of you leaves my sight," Poe adds.

"Both of you are generals. You are not supposed to go and leave the commands of the Resistance like that. You have responsibilities."

They shrug, not ready to back off.

"Kaydel could stand-in for us for a bit," Poe says and Finn nods vigorously behind him.

They are idiots and she doesn't know how she puts up with them. Maybe because they are her idiots and that makes all the difference.

("I have a bad feeling about this," Finn says later, when they are once again stuck in quicksand on an umpteenth desert planet, in front of what looks dangerously close to giant womp rats. Along with some news injuries and bruises, they eventually find the crystal cave.)

*

Unbeknownst to its generals, the Resistance has bets going on whether Finn or Poe will make the first move.

The pool is of ten thousand credits on Poe and there’re a lot of disbelieving whispers, mostly covered by Rose's cry of joy as she's now the winner of a comfortable amount of money, when it's Finn who leans in and kisses Poe in the middle of an argument, right in front of the entire Resistance.

It makes Rey happy in a way she hasn't feel for a long time.

*

When she starts undoing her quarterstaff, picking pieces for a lightsaber of her own, it's like every member of the Resistance wants to see what's going on.

Rose provides great technical advice, suggests small ameliorations about the activation matrix.

Finn politely asks if he can watch and although she's pretty sure she should do it alone, she appreciates the company.

Poe comes, opens his mouth probably to say some smart comments but closes it, mumbling something about blasters and how they are as good as weapons but she can tell he's impressed.

If Jannah hadn't left with Lando, Rey's sure she would have something to add, one scavenger to another.

She wishes Ben was here. Admittedly he wasn't the best at making perfect and stable lightsabers, but his knowledge would be useful. If not Ben, the presence of her Master would be great but Luke's ghost only watches her with proud eyes. "Do not worry, the Force will guide you" he says, and ok, great, but she would have liked some practical advice.

When she lights it for the first time, all her friends are here.

"I like the color, "Finn says. "It’s quite uncommon."

"It suits you well,"Rose adds. "Yellow is a very hopeful color."

"Isn't it also the color of betrayal ?" Beaumont wonders, before muffling a cry of pain as Rose nudges him with an elbow in the ribs.

"So, now you're officially a Jedi, that's right? Your training is complete?" Poe asks..

She nods then swings her brand new weapon into the air. The blade is perfectly balanced. She only used Luke's and Leia's lightsabers before, they were great and she's grateful for the opportunity to use them, but this one is differently good. It's perfect, right for her. A new start.

*

Naively, she thought the grief would soften with time. It doesn't, and she partly blames the Force bond for it. It would be easier to forget the love and affection in Ben Solo's eyes if there wasn't this thread in the Force, linking her to him.

Not being able to talk about it is slowly eating her alive but she can't exactly go and tell someone from the Resistance she can't forget about Ben Solo when all they see of him is Kylo Ren.

She spends days in silence, pretending to meditate in the jungle to be "closer to all past Jedi's voices" but judging by her friends' worried glares, it's not very convincing.

Eventually, Finn comes to her, finding her in the small room she's staying in.

He knows something is wrong because he stays quiet and sits next to her on her cot, close enough for her to put her head on his shoulder. These shoulders are so stable and warm, she thinks, that they could bring balance to the Force.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" he says quietly.

She knows, but is still very afraid of this dangerous topic, even with Finn's endless love and loyalty. She needs to trust him as he trusts her.

"There is something I didn't tell you about Exegol."

She already told the Resistance about Ben's ultimate help, how he sacrificed himself to kill Palpatine, but she didn't tell them the whole truth. She left out the part where he gave his life force for her to live, the kiss, obviously, and all of their bond, even if her friends are far from stupid and know there was something more than obsession between Rey and Kylo Ren. Nobody seemed impressed by this minor act of heroism, a second Darth Vader in the history of the galaxy, but they nodded and left it at that.

Now, to Finn she says everything hidden in between. How he fought against Palpatine, how she was the one to kill the Emperor but died in the process. How Ben gave his life for her. How nice it was to kiss him, to see his precious, rare smile. About how he made her feel less alone and more complete. How she's pretty much in love with him.

Finn stays silent after that. The minutes pass and she thinks, that's it, this time I’ve lost him. You can't tell someone you are in love with the person who tortured and killed so many and expect full acceptance. Even if it's Ben Solo she grieves, never Kylo Ren, she would understand making the distinction is an impossible task from another point of view.

"Wow. It's quite a lot to unpack, but I guess it explains some things."

There is no horror in his eyes and she can release the breath she didn't know she was holding.

"It's difficult to think of him as someone else than Kylo Ren, but you seem sure..."

"I know his mind Finn."

"I trust your judgment."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

He shrugs.

"He's still alive. I can feel it," she adds.

"Thanks to the Force?"

"Thanks to the fact we are a dyad in the Force, or whatever they call it."

"I won’t say that I'm not jealous that you got to be a dyad in the Force with big bad villain Kylo Ren instead of me."

"Your over-possessive boyfriend wouldn't have liked that."

"Hey, he's not that possessive."

She laughs, and he laughs along.

"Well, if he's alive, what do you want to do?"

"Find him, but I don't know where he is."

He smiles at her, confident as ever.

"Yet."

Hope can make miracles happen in this galaxy, and she keeps it very close to her heart.

*

She dreams about the kiss, sometimes. Often. She should have kissed him longer. Or maybe she shouldn't have kissed him at all, maybe she shouldn't be able to differentiate Ben Solo from Kylo Ren so easily.

It's as much obsession as it is love.

*

She goes to Tatooine to return Luke's and Leia's lightsabers.

It's true that Leia didn't come from the desert planet, but Rey can’t exactly go on Alderaan and she doesn't want to split up the blades. Leia would understand. Rey misses her. She misses Luke too, but in a different way.

She presses a kiss on Finn's, then on Poe's cheek on her way out, letting them arguing over holochess in the Falcon. For once, they agreed on staying behind. This, she should do alone.

Sand, as always, gets everywhere. She hides in a huge scarf and lets the Force guide her to the moisture farm where Luke Skywalker grew up, three lightsabers at her belt. Somehow, it's hard to imagine that so many historic events took place here, on this hostile and unremarkable desert. In a way, Rey wouldn't have believed growing up on Jakku would lead her where she is. She guesses it's the same for the Skywalker family.

When she returns to the Falcon, her belt lighter, she exchanges a look with the two ghostly figures in the horizon, beneath the two suns high in the sky.

"I'll find Ben," she promises Leia.

"We will reform the Jedi order," she promises Luke.

It's time.

*

When she tells Finn she'll go and find Ben Solo, wherever he is, she doesn't expect his answer.

"Ok", he says easily, as if he didn't just shake her entire world with his unconditional acceptance. "I'll go with you."

"You can't. It's way too dangerous and I won’t ask you to look for an ex-Supreme Leader, partly redeemed but still a destroyer of stars and moons and killer of billions. I haven’t forgotten how Kylo Ren made you suffer, how he tortured Poe."

"I haven’t forgotten either, but let's take another look at it: I'm not helping you find an enemy but your lost boyfriend."

She isn't sure if she's smiling or crying or both.

"I'm still wary about this whole Kylo-Ren-helped-you-save-the-galaxy thing, to be honest, but I trust you. I'll always trust you and I'll follow you to the end of the universe and if you believe Poe and BB-8 won't tag along, you're wrong."

Rey doesn't think traveling the universe to save the man the galaxy knows more as Kylo Ren than Ben Solo will do well for two generals of the Resistance. The public opinion isn't ready for that, may never be ready.

"Friends stick together, no matter what. You'll need help to pilot the flying trash can that is the Falcon. You're not alone anymore Rey."

At this time, in this place, she thinks she can start to believe it.


End file.
